One thing We want most in life....

The hardest things in the world are the ones you can't control, trust me of all people I understand this saying more that most people.

PLEASE KNOW THIS IS GRAPHIC DETIALS THAT ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN TO READ SOME PARTS ARE DISTURBING.

As you have read my relationship with my husband has been very rocky, with medical and emotional issues. This time I'm taking you somewhere thats very near and hard on my heart......

My Pregnancies!!

I have been pregnant four times. But before I get there I'll start from the begininning.

When I was seven I started what doctors thought was my cycle, but then soon came to realize it was something wasn't right. I had many test and ultrasounds done, doctors came to the conclusion I would likely never have children of my own without fertitlity help and even then my chances were extremely low. So basically I was told not to count on ever getting pregnant.

I lost my virginity at 17 but I was always very smart about using protection just in case. In Dec. 2005 when I met Robert he told me he had a kid from his 1st marriage. I then told him I wouldn't ever be able to have children. Three months later the one time we had a slip up and didn't use a condom I was late and took a test. To my surprise came back positive. I then went to Robert at work and told him, went home and told my parents. The next morning I took another. Same answer. So we went to Planned Parent Hood (PPH) to make 100% sure. I took their test and they called us into the room and asked if this was a planned pregnancy. We of course said no and she then said and I quote "Oh really? In that case You're NOT pregnant" We were releived at the time and decided I should get on some birth control. So that next day or so I had the IUD put in.

Five months of horrible pain and a nasty smell I went in and had it removed. Within 24 hrs they called and asked me if I knew I was pregnant and that the fetus was dead. Horrified I asked them if their was anyway to know if it was before or after I had the IUD in, they of course said no. But I knew in my heart I really was pregnant and they had killed my baby, but proving it would be a challenge so I vowed to never go back to PPH. I would go accross the street to The Care Center. I was 3 weeks along

Two to three weeks later I was pregnant agian. It was so quick I barely had time to know. I took a test came back positive within 3 days. I was having really bad cramping and heaving bleeding I went to the ER and was told I had a miscarriage. I cried and took it pretty hard. I was only 4 maybe 6 weeks along

A year later I got pregnant agian, this time I was over 6 weeks pregnant when I found out and was real excited. But I was taking depression meds and they caused my uterus lining to be too thin. I never would have made it too term. I was 9 weeks.

My last pregnancy was the hardest. I got pregnant just 2 days before we were to get married. This one I knew almost right away but I only had 1 test say yes the other 15 said no. So I didn't have a 100% yes till I was about 6 weeks. This pregnancy was scary for me because I wasn't with Robert and I had had 3 previous pregnancies that didn't go to term. So I got straight into the OB and told him about the other 3 and he wanted me on bed rest.
I couldn't do that. I was single living with roomates. I had to work or I would have no where to live. So he said ok but I was on light light duty no lifting over 15lbs and not to be on my feet more than 10-15 min at a time. I'd also have appointments every week to watch the pregnancy closely.

16 weeks along the person I was suppose to be working with didn't show to work so I was at work with the residents all alone. When I went to put one to bed they fell on top of me. I immediately called the owner had them come over and I went straight to the hospital. They did an ultrasound and the baby was fine. I found out it was a boy. We later named him Aiden.

The next day I went to my OB and he scolded me and really pushed I go on bed rest. I said I would in a few more weeks once Robert and I moved back in together. He said that was fine, but now I would not be able to be on my feet more than 10 min a day and no lifting more than 5lbs.

So I continued to work for the next few weeks. Then yet again that same person called in and didn't show for their shift, so I had to cover mine alone and theirs. I was about 2 hrs into the graveyard shift and another resident had fallen on the floor. I called the owner to come get them off the floor and the owner said they weren't coming, that I needed to deal with it. I was so pissed off. I went into the residents room and tried to get them off the floor. It took me forever. Finally when I got the resident onto their feet to sit in the bed they lost their balance and fell smack ontop of me. Once I finally got our from underneath them and into bed I called the owner agian and said they needed to send someone over the resident had fallen on me and I needed to go to the ER. The owner said I should have called 911 to get the resident off the floor and not done it. I thought you M.F.'er!! Why didn't you say that!! 45 min later my relief person shows up, I called the hospital and they said if the baby is moving he's fine and I should go home and rest. So thats what I did because the baby was moving a lot.

The next morning I got up and he wasn't moving. I called Robert he told me to go in. I went to the ER and they couldn't find his heart beat. They did an ultrasound and he wasn't moving. He had died. His embilical cord wrapped around his neck and there was no way to have known. I was 21 1/2 weeks.

Now two years later we have been trying and trying, no luck. I had fertitliy drugs and then surgeries. Now we are hoping more then ever to get pregnant. We've been married a year in a half and have been through so much pain. Since my surgery in Jan 2011 we have been trying without trying. We are waiting on the Clomid and then hoping to get pregnant.

So please all I ask if next time you become pregnant or have an abortion remember there are many people out there just like me who are unable to have children of their own without help from doctors and even then don't get pregnant. If you or someone you know is pregnant and dont want the baby please consider adoption. The moment of conception it is a baby. I dont care what the courts or demorcrats say you at one time were that fetus and your parents called you a baby.

Thanks for reading and your support. If I offend you I'm sorry but this is my blog and my life. And this is how I feel. I dont judge you if you have had an abortion, one of my best friends has had one. It's your choice what your choose, but know 8 of 10 woman regret having an abortion. And of those 8 over 1/3 will commit suicide. Some won't be able to have kids agian due to an infection or mal practice. So really think.

Rachel

Our Story Ch. 3 Part 1

Year two of our marriage has definitely changed. I had surgery on Jan. 17th and everything went well and our odds of having kids the doctor thinks increased. So he gave me some provera to help start a period again in April because of just having a D&C and clearing everything out. He also gave me Clomid to stimulate ovulation. So when we are ready to get preggo we can. But first we needed to get back on our feet. We may have been living in our own place but we were barely making it, so we knew something needed to change.

Robert started looking for a better job or 2nd part time job anywhere and everywhere. He was especially looking the the St. Louis area near my parents. I had asked him why and he said he wanted me to be happy, which then I replied what ever made you think I wasn't happy? Then we dropped it, but he continued looking for jobs everywhere, all types.

A few weeks passed maybe even a month and every time I would get on Craigslist it was always left on St. Louis. So I began to truly think about moving and him being serious. Within a few days we were toying with the idea again and truly weighing our options and discussing what we thought was going to be best for us as a family and get us back on our feet.

I called my dad to ask him a few questions and came to find out WUSTL was hiring and after a year of employment they would pay for you to go back to school for any program you chose they had. So I ran the info by Robert. It was soon after we really started deeply considering moving from WA to MO.

By the end of Jan. we were still on the fence but knew we needed to make a choice; 1. Move to Missouri, go to school, and better our lives or 2. Find a new apartment more affordable with hopefully less jerks of landlords. One night we were laying in bed and I finally said Missouri or Washington and gave him 5 sec to answer. After months of deliberation we had finally reached a decision we were moving.....but first we had to talk to our families and friends to get their support.

Robert talked to his dad and I talked to his mom, both were very supportive and sad we were leaving but reassured us we needed to go where we could better our lives and do what was best for us. Family was always going to be there and always just a phone call away. It was then we knew we had made the right decision. We were leaving for St. Louis in March.

So we gave our notice to the landlords, packed up and moved with friends until we left. It was a scary decision and very difficult. Then came moving day, we said goodbye to family and friends, had dinner with his parents and hit the road to Missouri.

As we were pulling out of Robert's parents house I leaned over and asked "Are you ready to start a new chapter of our lives? Ready to spread our wings and fly?

We drove 2200 miles in 3 days of snow, ice, wind, rain, sun and anything else mother nature threw our way.

March 14 we arrived in St. Louis unpacked and got settled.

Since we have been here we still feel as though we made the right choice moving and continue to talk about having a baby soon, but wanting jobs and a car first. We currently live with my parents and are waiting to hear back from jobs we applied for and Robert's waiting for training to start at WUSTL.....

We may not be quite where we want to be, but it takes time. We are loving life, missing family, friends and Washington, but are very much in-love......we hope a baby will complete our family soon....but not too soon.....but if it happens HEY we'll be happy.....

Ch. 3 Part 2 is being written as I type......stay tuned for updates.
Thanks for reading....

Rachel

Chapter 2- Year 1 of MANY years

Day 1 as Mrs. Rachel Sullivan started out as any other you know waking up to the sound of the ocean, beautiful and peaceful....

Our first year of marriage was anything but smooth sailing, if our relationship was any indication of how our marriage would be we were prepared...So we thought...

The the first 3 months were amazing, very much full of love and everything was new. By this time we had been living with his parents for almost a year and were ready to spread our wings. I was looking for a job and Robert was working at Shop N Kart still.

In Feb. I kept having very sharp pains in my pelvic area again, but this time was unbearable. So I made yet again another appointment for an ultrasound hoping this time I wouldn't leave with them thinking I was crazy as I had left everyother time. The ultasound came and went and they didn't say anything to me. So I made a follow up with my doctor for March 4th after we returned from our trip to Linclon City, OR.

We very much enjoyed every moment of our trip. Relaxed and refreshed we came home not worried or even thinking about my appointment the next day. That happiness soon came to an end.

March 4 I walked in to my doctors office and waited paciently to see him. Once in the room he told me they found a mass in my uterus and was refering me to a doctor who could look further into it, but they had taken a biopsy of it and it came back abnormal and he was over 90% sure it was cancer. But he said not to worry until my next doctor he refered me to took a look. Let me tell you who in their right mind wouldn't worry about that? I let the appointment in tears and cried the whole way home. I didn't even get through the door before my mother in law and Robert's grandma knew something was wrong. I bursted into tears and Robert came out and I had to tell him. A few hours later he had to go to work. The next day I got the call from the next doctor and had an appointment just a few LONG days away. Robert asked for FMLA (family medical leave act) and they fired him the next day :( So here we are worried about me having Cancer and now my husband is unemployed. We had no money, no insurance, at that moment no hope. And only married 3 months.

March 8 it was the day of my appointment to see the specialist. The doctor came in introduced himself and did another ultrasound just to be sure. He also did a PAP at that time as well as another biopsy of the mass. I left knowing the same as when I came only I hadn't had his results yet, it was still a waiting game. Two weeks later I had another appointment this time he confirmed the Cancer in the mass said it was nothing to worry about right now we were going to watch it. It was just a small paulup only 5cc big. But results came back for the PAP and I had HPV and needed to have a colposcopy which is were they do a presedure like a PAP but they use iodin and vinigar to see if there is any cancer cells to pop out. Needless to say they thought I had cervical cancer but no abnormalties popped out. So we set an appointment for 3 months later for a check uo on the mass.

April 1 Roberts Grandma Sherry died and it was a very devistating moment, she had been sick for a very long time. May 11th My Aunt Brenda died after years of pain an suffering. July 27th Robert's Grandpa Rick died, this was a shock almost he had just finished Chemo and radiation and within months found out the cancer had spread to his spine.

July 7th I came in for my appointment and they did another ultrasound and found the paulup had gone from 5cc to 3cm. It was they he decided to start me on chemo meds to prepare me for chemo. They made me very sick and weak. Made an appointment for 3 months later.

Oct. 7th I came in again for yet another appointment and was not looking forward to it. This time he did another ultrasound and he couldnt see anything due to the linning in my uterus being too thick. So he told me I needed to take provera to make a period come and that he had been going over the results of my case and he didn't thing I was going to ever be able to have kids without fertility help if at all unless he can fix me.

So I took the meds and had my cycle from hell. Came back 2 days after it ended and had another ultrasound. This time the meds had worked and did their job and he could see everything he needed to in my uterus, but what he saw was not good. They found a tumor at the top of my uterus and it was HUGE 9cm the size of a babies head! He called in an emergancy surgery as soon as possible, but the next opening wasn't till Jan. 17th. That was over a month away.

Nov. 18 2010- Our on year anniversary. We had a nice steak dinner at home. And we reflected on the last year. In one year we went through Cancer twice and still battling, both were unemployed, living with his parents, Robert found a new job 9 months into out marriage, we moved into our own place and were thinking about moving to Missouri. We had 3 deaths in the family, Grandma Sherry, Grandpa Rick and Aunt Brenda.

After this year of marriage I think we can make it through ANYTHING don't you??

Chapter 3 is still being written.... will blog updates as they come. Part 1 coming soon....